The Right Words at the Right Time
Visiting a shiva house can feel intimidating. Most people worry about saying the wrong thing — and many end up avoiding the visit altogether. But your presence matters more than your words.
Here is a complete guide to what to say, what to avoid, and how to be genuinely helpful to a family in mourning.
The Traditional Condolence Phrase
In traditional Jewish communities, visitors do not speak first — they wait for the mourner to acknowledge them. After expressing their condolences through presence, visitors say:
**HaMakom yenachem etchem b'toch she'ar aveilei Tzion v'Yerushalayim**
*המקום ינחם אתכם בתוך שאר אבלי ציון וירושלים*
Translation: "May God (literally, 'the Place') comfort you among all the mourners of Zion and Jerusalem."
This phrase is used at the end of a shiva visit, said as you prepare to leave.
Simple English Condolences
Not everyone uses the Hebrew phrase. Simple, sincere English is equally appropriate:
What NOT to Say
Certain phrases, though well-intentioned, can feel minimizing or hurtful to someone in acute grief:
❌ "Everything happens for a reason" — This can feel dismissive of real pain.
❌ "At least they lived a long life" — A loss is a loss, regardless of age.
❌ "I know how you feel" — Every grief is unique.
❌ "They're in a better place" — Unless you know the family's beliefs, this may not resonate.
❌ "Let me know if you need anything" — Too vague. Instead, offer something specific.
❌ "How did it happen?" — Unless the mourner brings it up, avoid pressing for details.
What TO Say Instead
✅ Share a memory: "I remember when [name] did [specific thing]. It meant a lot to me."
✅ Affirm their grief: "There are no words. I'm just here with you."
✅ Offer something specific: "I'd like to bring dinner on Thursday. Is that okay?"
✅ Acknowledge the relationship: "You were such a devoted son/daughter/spouse."
The Gift of Listening
At a shiva, listening is an act of love. Let the mourner guide the conversation. If they want to tell stories about the deceased, follow their lead. If they want to sit in silence, honor that too.
Your job is not to fix the pain — it is to witness it.